Tag Archives: update

Writers Block and Taking Notes from Superman

It’s been over two months since I’ve written anything of substance. The only form of writing I’ve done as of late is texting my best friend to ask her when she would be returning home to give me attention. Just like Justin Bieber, I’m a shell of my former self. I even had to google the word ‘Bieber’ to check I’d spelt it correctly, which might actually be an indication that I’ve not lost the plot quite yet. Like bingo calling or riding a bike, it’s been so long since I’ve done it, I can barely remember how.

On multiple occasions I’ve torn myself away from my beloved Gilmore Girls boxset and bag of doritos to try and document my thought processes and interesting events that have happened to me in recent weeks. I sit at my laptop, fingers poised to write something quirky and relatable with just the faintest hint of indignation when I have the terrible realisation that I have nothing interesting to write about: fascinating tales about spending a Saturday morning with toothpaste in my eye isn’t going to make J.K Rowling start quaking in her boots.

As the self-indulgent fear of leading a mundane life, which can’t be documented in a humorous tone over the internet clouds any desire to blog, I’ve decided to make a change in my life. I’m going to become a better person so that karma helps me win the lottery and attend yacht parties with Taylor Swift. Also, doing good deeds is rewarding, as there’s no greater pleasure in life than being able to help other people, obviously.

First port of call: giving up my seat on public transport. Not to worry, I’m not a complete monster, I already make sure that no elderly people are left clutching their walking stick whilst I stare at the floor and ignore any pangs of guilt. Rather, I plan to broaden my horizons and become the Florence Nightingale of public transport, ready to give up my seat at a moments notice to anyone in need! Not only do I burn extra calories per minute but I also gain a full view of any attractive men on the train that I might accidentally bump into whilst struggling with my tights and cape. Everyone’s a winner!

For now though, I’m so exhausted from all of the thinking about becoming a more fully-functioning human I’ve been doing, that I simply must put myself to bed with a cup of tea and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s good to be back!

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.

It feels rather narcissistic to start by apologising for not posting anything lately, who do I think I am, the Queen of England? Nevertheless, it seems rather rude not to explain my absence, so for the couple of people that might read this, I’m still alive in body if not in spirit!

I try not to write anything too personal here: I’d much rather post a few badly written puns and a speech about my love for Taylor Swift than something that might expose too much of myself. Also, I find it hard to imagine anyone caring about my troubles when they undoubtedly have much bigger ones of their own to deal with: this isn’t therapy.

I might delete this yet, whilst typing I feel slightly foolish: I’ve been struggling with my anxiety lately. There, I said it. It reminds me of the time I tried to tell a guy I liked him but couldn’t get the words out, so I typed it on my phone and showed it to him instead. I’m not sure which situation was more painful. Anyway, as I’ve been feeling pretty low I decided to take a break from blogging to spend time with friends and family to get out of my own head for a while.

In all honesty, not much has changed. I still love cheese and wine and have a deep, inner hatred for queue jumpers and public transport: it’s like I’ve never been away.

Shady’s back…

I’m back! Queue the sounds of hundreds of people not caring…

I’ve actually had my laptop back for a couple of days but I’ve been having one of those weeks where crying in the shower and feeling sorry for myself have been at the top of my to-do list, and I’m sure no-one wants to read about how I regret my entire existence.

Instead, I thought I’d do a quick run-down of everything I’ve learnt in the week I’ve been away:

  • Wearing no underwear in public isn’t as liberating as I thought it would be. Must remember that I live in the real world and not in my fantasy where I’m an Olsen twin.
  • The coverage of the Jay-Z/Solange fight on social media only demonstrates how people care about anything as long as it makes them feel better about their own problems.
  • Trying to match my liquid eye liner on both sides really is a lost cause – I’m always going to look like a prepubescent girl whether L’Oreal tells me I’m worth it or not. If all else fails, I’ll rock a red lip and pretend my mother wanted me to appear on toddlers and tiaras.
  • Rather than learning from my mistakes straight away, I prefer to keep repeating them until I hate myself enough to stop.
  • There aren’t enough words to express the anger I feel towards people who tell me they don’t read because “it’s boring.” Perhaps it isn’t considered ‘cool’ to spend my Saturday looking for new books in the local library instead of hanging out at a beer garden waiting for bad decisions to turn into good ones, but I happen to find reading incredibly fun and sexy. 50 Shades of Grey taught us that, right?

Clearly I’m incredibly judgemental and kind of an asshole, but I knew that already.

Update/Does Anyone Care?

Just a quick obligatory post to say that I might be on hiatus for a while – unfortunately I have a broken laptop and as the staff at Tesco were really unwilling to help, it’s been sent off to someone in the yellow pages to be repaired.

I’m currently typing this on my phone and am already angry because writing with fat fingers and tiny buttons is almost impossible. I’ll try to beg, steal or borrow someone elses laptop so I can give everyone exciting updates about drinking wine and making a fool out of myself in public but just in case you dont hear from me, please don’t send out a search warrant.

Until then, try not to forget about me and keep my internet seat warm: I’m incredibly needy and having no laptop is punishment enough.