Like most of the world I went into January with so much unfounded confidence about the ‘new and improved’ me, someone who reads Tolstoy and listens to Mozart in their spare time: a modern day Audrey Hepburn. Unfortunately it’s safe to say that I’ve fallen off the self-improvement train and stopped off at familiar ground: lazy with a dash of stupid. I’ve broken every single one of my resolutions and January isn’t even over yet, perhaps there’s time to make a few more mistakes before the month ends.
I was sat in a state of self pity, contemplating my many failures whilst shoving half a buttered bagel into my mouth when I realised that I’m the one at fault. Not because I didn’t achieve what I set out to do but because I was too focused on my faults. Too busy letting Cosmopolitan tell me I need a better sex life or a job with a 6 figure salary and hate-watching mindless television shows filled with the rich and beautiful, designed to make us feel insecure.
Here’s my new mantra: don’t make naive, unattainable goals: I’ll never be a millionaire, lose 10lbs or travel round the world in 80 days. All I want to do is marathon ‘The Good Wife’ and eat Thai food with a glass of Pinot in hand. I might not be Mother Theresa or Jennifer Lawrence: I worry too much and have an arse the size of a Ford Focus, know nothing about politics and can’t name any of the US states. Self-improvement’s over-rated anyway: it’s self-acceptance that’s the key.
Tomorrow morning I’m going to set in motion my plan to become a cross between Buffy Summers, Penelope Pitstop and Lorelai Gilmore. The first step towards achieving this is by being a more positive person who only sees the good in each day. No longer will I wake up on a Monday morning feeling groggy, downing pints of coffee and desperately piling make-up on my face in the hope that I’ll turn up to work looking somewhat human. Instead I shall drink green tea and say things such as “isn’t the rain delightful, nice weather for ducks.”
However, as a hardened cynic this might be a tough transition, after all: Rome wasn’t built in a day! I thought it might be worth declaring everything that annoys me now to avoid anything ruining my perfect day tomorrow.
So, here goes nothing: people who say ‘twenty-fourteen’ rather than 2014, wind on a good hair day, people that watch the film rather than read the book and flaunt their ‘knowledge’ at me, loud crisp eaters, a lack of manners, the use of ‘babe’ as a pet name, the use of pet names in general, people that spell my name with two ‘l’s’, unnecessarily poor spelling, having to constantly defend liking Taylor Swift, when you see a wasp outside of the designated summer months, it not being socially acceptable to wear tights during summer, being told to ‘be quiet’, ‘calm down’ or ‘smile’, people not adhering to official board game rules, my friends not appreciating how brilliant Joss Whedon is, Emma Watson’s perfect everything, PDA and my inability to take a good selfie.
Now that that’s done, who’d like some tea and freshly baked scones?
I’m a big public transport user, in fact I’d say that I’ve spent weeks of my life sat on the bus waiting for someone to shoot me. Many an unhappy hour has been wasted sat next to yobs drinking special brew, chanting about football or getting laid. Suffice to say it’s always a less than pleasant experience: the number of times I’ve muttered “what a wanker” under my breath probably amounts to something in the triple figures.
That is until today. Approximately twenty-six minutes ago I made my first step into becoming Kate Middleton and booked myself a first class train ticket. No longer will I have to wonder what’s behind those glass doors, I finally get to experience how the other half live. Perhaps a serving of champagne on my Sunday evening trip? Waiters wearing bow-ties who call me ma’am? Travel information served upon a silver platter? No longer will the cries of screaming children haunt me whilst I desperately attempt to turn up the volume on my i-pod. I’m joining the big leagues baby: terms and conditions may apply.
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Tagged bus, class, funny, humor, humour, people, public transport, society, train, transport, travel