As I’m still wildly unsure of what I plan to do with my career, and want nothing more than to spend every day enjoying champagne for breakfast, I’m partial to purchasing a lottery ticket every now and again. In fact, what started as a silly way to spend £2 whilst I’m buying groceries has evolved into the weekly panic attack of a desperate woman.
Whilst the only time I’ve been to a casino is at 5am to ply myself with more alcohol after all of the local bars close, it is worrying that I continue to pin my hopes and dreams on winning the jackpot. What’s even worse is that every time I wait for the numbers to be revealed, I’m convinced that this is the week my life makes a sudden turn for the better and I finally get to live the life I deserve. No more inner-debates over whether I should buy the £3.99 wine or splash out and treat myself to the £5 bottle: I’ll get myself a damn vineyard.
Unfortunately, once again my evening spent refreshing the ‘euromillions’ tag on my twitter timeline has been a fruitless endeavour, and plans to quit my day job in favour of becoming a lady of leisure have come to a grinding halt as someone else walks away with my prize.
At least I’m safe in the knowledge that none of my friends that claim the first thing they’d do with the money is give half to charity have won: the vineyard will just have to wait until next week.
It’s a week before payday so naturally I’ve Googled ‘how to make easy money’ four times over the last couple of days. Unfortunately, as I scan my cupboards for anything other than paprika or pickled onions I’ve come to realise that my only hope is winning the lottery or selling my organs on the black market.
As I’m incredibly bitter and love nothing more than complaining about those who are better off than me, hearing that someone I know spent £67, 000 on wallpapering their house today was a crushing blow – I don’t even have £67 to last me the rest of this week. I can’t help but think that I’m going wrong somewhere if I struggle to justify spending more than a tenner on my weekly shop when certain people can splash so much cash on home décor.
It got me thinking about how I should spend my last £13 – the last supper. The money-conscious side of me would usually spend a couple of pounds on bread and the rest on wine, but perhaps I’ve been doing this all wrong. In a normal week I’ll usually purchase shampoo and deodorant, whereas Kim Kardashian has a 24/7 beauty squad to tend to her every need for a cool $250K. Perhaps I’ll spend the last of my cash on a cute top or half a pair of shoes – who needs food and running water when you have wallpaper and a fabulous butt?
I am a terribly weak-willed person, if someone were to hand me a whole bottle of wine or jar of peanut butter right now I would without a doubt have all of it. Therefore it’s absolutely no surprise that I was sucked into the Urban Outfitters sale today. In my defence they didn’t take no for an answer: first off there was the persistent, cutesy emails with dancing cats informing me of the sale, which had my mouth watering in anticipation. Secondly I walked past the shop and it said ‘sale’ in the window so I didn’t really have a choice.
I love Urban Outfitters, as a person who has little to no sense of style or what’s going on in the fashion world it’s pretty much a guarantee that if you get the right size it’s going to look ‘cool’, exactly what I want. Of course I was a sucker for all of their quirky homeware and flowery dresses and whoops spent £50 in under 15 minutes. It says it’s on sale though, don’t worry if it’s still £40 for a dress you could find for £20 elsewhere, if it’s on sale it’s practically free. Thanks Urban Outfitters, your deliciously overpriced clothing has won me over once again.
I have many guilty pleasures in life: coffee, Taylor Swift and laughing at people who fall over their own feet are just a few, one of my long term loves however is scratchcards. I’m not sure if it’s the eternal hope that one day I’ll become rich from something that requires little to no effort to do or my general idiocy and weak-willed personality that spurs me on to purchase them far too often. Anyway, I was purchasing some essentials such as starbucks in a can at the local shop today when my eyes gazed over the scratchcards at the till, aha my lucky day. I was confident I was going to be a winner for two reasons:
- The lovely man who served me was convinced it was a lucky ticket, and I’ll believe anything anyone tells me as long as it’s positive.
- I have an unhealthy amount of misplaced confidence in myself and most things I do considering my track record, especially with scratchcards.
Filled with newly discovered hope I trotted home, already louging about on the yacht I’d purchased in my mind, ready to see how much I’d won. This was it, the moment of truth, already shaking from the double espresso in a can I’d just had, 2p in hand, I scratched away at the ticket. I almost simultaneously cried and shit myself when I saw I’d won £500, until I took a second look and realised my winnings amounted to a grand total of £2. Lesson to be learnt from this: don’t pin all of your life hopes on a scratchcard or trust the word of your local shopkeeper.
This is going to be one of those incredibly cliché posts you’ll see repeated all over the internet around this time of year, but seeing as I’m a huge fan of jumping on the band wagon it’s time to re-evaluate my life as we enter the new year! Oh what fun!
If I were a cocktail I’d be an odd but delicious mixture of self-hatred and narcissism with a dash of lime to top it off, so finding ways to try and improve myself in 2013 really hasn’t been a difficult task. One of my favourite things ever is writing a bullet-point list, so lets jump right in:
1) Be better with money. This means no more expensive but delicious Starbucks coffee: just because the barista knows my name that does not mean we’re friends. Have some instant coffee instead and learn to like it. Also no more buying black dresses. Number 1 I already have 15 in my wardrobe which look identical, and as much as I wish I was, I’m not Morticia Addams. Maybe If I stop thinking I’m Richard-Fucking-Branson I’ll eventually get out of my overdraft that’s been killing me for the last 2 years.
2) Stop being so hard on myself. I spend so much time worrying and feeling guilty it literally consumes me. If I don’t go out because I’m tired from work I’ll worry that people will be mad with me, they’ll eventually stop talking to me, I’ll have no friends left and be living in a gutter with no-one but my cat. And I don’t even own a cat. I need to learn that it’s okay to be selfish, I don’t have to please people all the time and I can say no, it’s okay to say no. I’m 22, it’s my life and I’ll do what I want. Hurrah.
Well I think that’s pretty much it, I’m not sure a bullet-point list was really necessary here but I’m throwing caution to the wind and doing what I damn well please. I’m at least safe in the knowledge that I can’t be a bigger knob in 2013 than I was in 2012, so if anything the only way is up from here! Happy New Year one and all, three cheers for self-improvement!
PS: I apologise for the amount of exclamation marks in this post. New Years Resolution number 3: find some other punctuation marks to be friends with.