First of all I’d like to apologise for the lack of posts recently, I’ve been having a bit of an internet vacation which is why I haven’t been very present! Actually, that’s a lie; I’ve spent the last two weeks binge-watching Australia’s Next Top Model which has left little time for anything but intense self-loathing, and doing squats in my bedroom whilst desperately hoping I’ll one day grow 7 inches and lose 7lbs.
I might never be Cara Delevigne, but I recently did some physical activity which involved more than walking to the fridge to fetch my bottle of wine: I climbed Mount Snowdon! For anyone that isn’t familiar, it’s the highest mountain in Wales at over 1000m above sea level. Yes I did Google that: I might be able to walk up it but I sure as hell don’t remember the geography.
As you can tell from the above picture of me looking like the Michelin Man, it’s been a while since I did any form of intense physical activity, and managing to get to the top of Snowdon without collapsing has given me the incentive to channel my inner Gwyneth Paltrow. Whilst changing my diet and exercise routine in a positive way, I must confess that I’ve also spent the last couple of weeks obsessively stalking girls with great abs on Pinterest, and it’s becoming a problem.
I haven’t lost all touch with reality just yet – I might eat healthily and exercise but am fully aware that I’ll never be a Victoria’s Secret Angel. However, I have started to realise that I’m slowly transitioning into one of those women that talk about their healthy eating regime as if it were the release of a new Harry Potter book. Not only do I use the words kale and quinoa in sentences without being ironic, but I’ve found myself enjoying them! The next thing you know I’ll be tweeting about drinking green tea and going to the gym instead of going for cocktails on a Saturday night.
Don’t worry though, I over-indulged in kettle chips and Prosecco at the weekend, so I haven’t joined Anakin at the dark side just yet!
There are many things that are seen as taboo by society: drinking vodka before 8pm, taking a shit in a public restroom and eating crisps on public transport are just a few of them. Today, I decided to take a leaf from Julius Caesar’s book and conquer one of the biggest: eating in a restaurant alone.
One of my life motto’s is ‘go hard or go home’ so I didn’t come prepared with reading material or a phone to quell the uneasy feeling that other people might feel at my lonely lunch. I confidently strode into the overpriced eatery and took my seat, unwilling to let the glares of others around bother me. Yes I’m eating alone, not only do I not have a significant other to come with me but I also have no family or friends willing to spend any time in my company either. And you know what: that’s just great. I can eat exactly what I want, without any interference or judgement from anyone around me about how much or little I might have ordered and don’t even have to make small talk about the sub-par service or dirty cutlery.
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt today it’s this: I might be alone but I’m certainly not lonely: there’s plenty of waiters ready to take my order. Large glass of wine? Why ever not!
This is a tale of woe, a story that is distressing for me just to tell, so please bear with me one second whilst I pull myself together…
It was a sunny day in Blackpool, the birds were singing and the sun was shining, I was casually strolling to work with the world at my feet, ready to begin the day. In reality I was very hungover and having an inner debate regarding bad choices made the night before but then happiness struck me: I saw a Millie’s Cookies. Yes I do eat my feelings, I am my favourite person to treat and did in fact purchase four mini cake bites all for myself. So sue me. At this point I’d like you to understand my emotional attachment to these cakes, they were the only positive point in an otherwise less than mediocre day.
For the next part of our tale we switch locations: the work locker room. On this day I was unfortunately sharing mine with two girls which led to a significant downturn in my mood. I hate sharing, I’m a selfish human being and don’t give a shit. Anyway, much later in the day the girls I was sharing with finished work and trotted home, leaving me and my cakes alone in my locker for some intimate time. Unfortunately, after they’d gone I checked my locker and all of my cakes were squashed, it was a bloodbath: butter cream icing and sprinkles everywhere, I shed a small tear but didn’t think too much of it: accidents happen.
The plot thickens: this evening I was informed that one of the girls who was sharing my locker that fateful day purposefully destroyed my cakes in one cold-hearted, swift move. What a mark of a persons character: that they’d purposefully ruin my happiness and my delicious cake bites simply for their own amusement. Life lessons learnt from today: trust no-one, people are inherently cruel and always eat your cake before potential for sabotage occurs. If anyone has any tips for revenge please let me know, my only ideas thus far are putting a cake on her chair so she gets butter cream icing on her arse and giving her a dirty look.
Posted in General
Tagged amusing, food, funny, happiness, humor, humour, musings, people, story, tale, work
I had a salad for dinner and afterwards ate half a large bar of dairy milk, so clearly my life decisions have been somewhat questionable as of late, but the intent is there! And you know what they say: as … Continue reading
I decided to write a post about all of the things I’ve been loving lately, because material possessions make me feel great about my otherwise questionable life. Plus people get off on these things, right?! I for one love hearing about people spending all of their money as it makes me feel infinitely better about my own spending habits. It’s a slightly odd guilty pleasure of mine, just like watching people watch films or Geordie Shore.
- SLUTTY CLOTHING. Caps locks for emphasis and simply because I can. Normally I hate showing off my body, I hide any curves I may have underneath a plethora of black, shapeless dresses, but my diet and fitness regime has meant I’ve become a huge tramp. See-through, cut-out dresses and glitter crop tops are all the rage for me right now even though it’s about 2 degrees. Forever impractical, it’ll be 20 degrees, middle of august and I’ll insist on wearing thick black tights and long johns. I feel so liberated, to quote Girls: “It’s a Wednesday night baby and I’m alive!” The next thing you know I’ll be pursuing a career in stripping or something.
- TELEVISON. Just in general, there’s so much good TV on at the moment I often question why I leave the house at all, I’d much rather watch other people live their lives than have one of my own. The Carrie Diaries, The Following, The Vampire Diaries, Revenge and my guilty pleasures Supersize Vs Super Skinny and Geordie Shore have been warming the cockles of my heart lately.
- GIRL TALK. No, no, not chatting to my female friends over a glass of wine and talking about men, that goes without saying, I’m talking about Gregg Gillis otherwise known as Girl Talk. It’s as if he’s poured chocolate sauce all over vanilla ice-cream, who knew I could listen to Rihanna and be absolutely loving it? If anyone hasn’t checked Girl Talk out, I highly recommend you YouTube it!
- EATING OUT. AKA my favourite thing in the entire world. I’m living life as if I’m a member of the Hills, wining and dining every night. Give me Thai, Chinese, Indian, Italian, and a waiter winking at me and I’m yours. There’s just something about not having to cook for myself that I adore.
Bonus loves include: brown eyeliner, stalking pictures of Cara Delevigne, the LOTR trilogy and Aragorn in general, dancing in my underwear and gin and tonic.
Posted in General
Tagged cara delevigne, clothes, food, geordie shore, girl talk, girls, life, lotr, love, music, Revenge, shopping, supersize vs superskinny, televison, the carrie diaries, the following, The Vampire Diaries