Tag Archives: facebook

Neve Campbell and the Killer Spider Dilemma

I’m a fan of horror films: they remind me that things could always be worse, and if everything goes to pot I’m safe in the knowledge that I haven’t yet had to saw off my own foot. My late night decision to watch Mia Farrow and her fabulous pixie cut get knocked up by the devil always comes back to haunt me though: anytime my best friend abandons our place of residence for the week I’m left feeling like Drew Barrymore and the remains of her burnt popcorn.

Sure, there are perks to being in the house alone: just this morning I peed with the door open and danced around the kitchen in my underwear listening to Demi Lovato: I’m sure the neighbours loved that. Unfortunately, I haven’t yet developed a fool-proof plan to deal with the killer spiders that everyone on Facebook insists on posting about multiple times a day.

I’ve tried almost everything, from locking said spider in the kitchen and deciding this is the month I’m going to go on the ‘I can’t get to the fridge’ diet, to jumping over the sofa, screaming and hoping the mere sound of my voice sends every spider in the vicinity running for miles: nothing seems to work! I’ll just have to implement the only spider capturing method that’s ever really worked for me: asking a stranger from the flat upstairs to do it instead: Neve Campbell would be so proud.

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Have your cake and eat it too!

Happy 10th Birthday to Facebook! Despite your constant need to remind me of terrible decisions and statuses I’ve made whilst under the influence and my ‘strawberry blonde’ period from 2010-2011 it has been a joy to watch you grow and develop into who you are today. Thank you for making it possible to e-stalk all of my ex-boyfriends, their new girlfriends, potential boyfriends and silently mock the Jeremy Kyle style drama of inevitably doomed relationships. Twitter might be your younger, better-looking, sibling but you still make it possible to ruin my life with just a few too many G&T’s – it’s not time to give up your crown just yet!

E-fail

I was about 12 when I first decided to create my own email address. I remember sitting for hours thinking of cool and edgy usernames that would impress just about everyone at school, and encourage every Tom, Dick and Harry to add me on MSN. Suffice to say the handle ‘hippyh’ didn’t have people rushing to correspond with me: the only person I’d email was my best friend and she lived up the road.

Years later, my heart still skips a beat when I log into my inbox, hoping for a secret admirer or even Topshop informing me of a 20% off sale. Unfortunately the only things I receive these days are adverts for Viagra or angry work emails with wankers requesting read receipts.

It got me to thinking that whilst in the midst of the social media generation, where every detail of a person’s private life is shared via Twitter and Facebook, it’s easy to forget about the time when we’d use the internet for cultivating friendships rather than trying to impress the world wide web with pictures of what we’ve had for lunch. My first email address was used for creating stories based on overgrown tomatoes terrorising small towns, whereas the content of my last tweet was complaining about having to go to work on a Monday. Honestly, who cares? How many people genuinely enjoy the pictures posted on Instagram of skinny models and mojitos, aimed to impress people we barely know or like?

It’s hard not to get caught up in the secret, unspoken, competition we have with our peers about who’s living their life better, but I’m going to try stop posting selfies and retweeting pictures of delicious food for a second to focus on what’s really important: stories about killer vegetables. 

“So everyone, have fun. Because this really is the end of summer”

It’s happening. As soon as the 1st of September hit my senses heightened and immediately I heard the sounds of thousands of people furiously typing various angry emoticons on their Facebook status about the end of summer. Quite frankly I couldn’t be more delighted.

I’m the Grinch, Wednesday Addams and Victor Meldrew all rolled into one. No more insufferable posts about the beach, cocktails during the day or selfies of stick thin girls trying on 10 different bikinis which all look the same. I think I’m going to dedicate an entire day to scarf and mug shopping.

The end is nigh, no longer will I have to go outside and fear for my life in case of a wasp attack or worry whether wearing black tights and a jumper is inappropriate attire for the day. I wait in anticipation for the hundreds of tweets complaining about how “the cold weather sucks balls” and having to, God forbid, wear a coat with their denim shorts that day.

You know what they say: misery loves company and  can’t wait to hear all about it!

A bitter pill to swallow/ruining your life in 3 easy steps

“I’m just going to quickly check my Facebook before bed”, the famous last words of a woman with a death wish. Before you know it it’s 3am, the alarm on your phone is ever so helpfully reminding you that you have to be up in 4 hours and you’ve ruined any remaining shreds of your social life.

Browsing the net before bed, you accidentally end up on your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s Facebook page, and in your delirium from lack of sleep add her as a friend and ‘like’ her post about a weekend away with her ‘boo.’ To top it all off you’ve stumbled across a picture of a spider and now it’s all you can see, the image of a spider burned into your brain that’s going to hunt and kill you in your sleep. Shit, wait one second, what’s that grazing your leg beneath the covers? It’s been a while since your last rendez-vous with a male so you can rule that one out. Not even YouTube videos of dancing cats and talking dogs is going to make this situation any better.

It’s okay though, you can find anything on the internet, just Google ‘how to get to sleep when you have to be up in 4 hours’ or ‘songs to help you sleep’ and you’ll be laughing. 

Bah Humbug/Tales of woe on a Tuesday

Summer is here! In case the hundreds of Facebook and Twitter updates of people who are “OMG so excited that it’s sunny!” haven’t clued you in, summer has hit the UK. Bah Humbug, that’s what I say, inconvenient outfit choices which either involve getting my deathly pale legs out or flashing the flesh and feeling like the lone fat girl amongst a sea of hipster barbie dolls. I want to wear tights, I want to wear black, I want to put my make up on without it sliding down my face half an hour later, I want to step out of my house without immediately sweating or getting attacked by a swarm of wasps. The only good thing about summer is iced coffee, pimms and the fact that it’s only a few short months until winter. Barbecues can fuck off, and so can all of the arseholes that think life is ten times better just because it’s sunny. Life’s a solid 5/10, it might be sunny but before you know it you’ll get shit on by a bird and come crashing down to earth again.

Not optimised for use on mobile phones.

It’s one of those moments where you question who you are and where your life is going; how did things end up this way? You casually clicked on a ‘friend’s’ profile picture after seeing their status update about beans on toast for dinner and suddenly you’ve gone through over 100 of their friend’s-girlfriend’s-sister’s profile pictures. How many is the amount where you start to realise this is too much? Is 10 enough? 20? Why do you keep clicking that ‘next’ button? Are you even interested in whether those are her natural eyelashes or jealous of her ability to look good wearing double denim? A moral dilemma that plagues the nation: to stalk or not to Facebook stalk, that is the question…