Category Archives: shopping

Harry Potter and the Summer Wardrobe Catastrophe

As it’s almost the middle of July, and my desire to cry and drink Pimm’s is at an all-time high, I’ve finally decided to admit defeat and join the rest of the world in celebrating summer. Unfortunately, my wardrobe doesn’t quite match my mind set; I’d love to spend the next few months wearing woollen tights and oversized cat t-shirts but both society and the weather seem to frown upon that.

In search of a solution to my clothing issues, I spent the afternoon shopping for pieces that would further my plans to emulate the current queen of boho, Vanessa Hudgens. However, whilst trying on a multitude of patterned dresses and kimonos, I spotted something that changed any plans I had to look summer chic: Harry Potter t-shirts.

After 15 minutes of sitting on the changing room floor, torn between the Hufflepuff and Slytherin shirts, both two sizes too small for me, I realised: selecting my summer wardrobe is the least of my problems.

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Strike a pose. Strike a pose.

“You’re never going to get any dick dressed like that Helen”

It’s always good to have your best friend around to let you know you’re less fashionable than your grandma and have the same amount of sex appeal as a loaf of bread. I always thought I rocked the ‘Mary-Kate Olsen grabbing coffee’ look but sometimes I forget that I’m at least 30lbs heavier and live in the real world.

In my mind the ideal outfit is cheap, comfortable and black. I don’t care for neon, crop tops, hot pants or anything with the word “body-con” in the title and I couldn’t give two shits about Miley Cyrus wearing clothing that almost shows off her vagina. It seems baffling that people spend so much time focusing on changing their outfits rather than their dull personalities.

I might own 10 of the same floral, oversized dresses that will never adorn the pages of Vogue but I have read more than one book by Milan Kundera and know my Harry Potter trivia better than anyone else. Who needs high heels and sex appeal when you have elastic waistbands and macaroni cheese?

Shop ’til you pop

My theory is that you can tell the state of a woman’s mind through looking at her shopping bag. If you looked at my most recently bought items, you’d definitely come to the conclusion that I’m having a severe identity crisis. These include: a hot pink, glitter, lip crayon by Barry M, a pair of black, glitter, shoes with gold panthers engraved on the heel, a see-through dress and the cherry on top of the cake: a dark pink, glitter, crop top. I’m turning 23 in a week but apparently my subconscious is feeling the peter-pan syndrome, compensating for my lack of direction in life by trying to emulate Britney Spears circa 2000. Maybe next week I’ll buy myself some pedal pushers and really turn back the hands of time.

Apologies for seeming incredibly self involved AKA New Year’s resolutions.

This is going to be one of those incredibly cliché posts you’ll see repeated all over the internet around this time of year, but seeing as I’m a huge fan of jumping on the band wagon it’s time to re-evaluate my life as we enter the new year! Oh what fun!

If I were a cocktail I’d be an odd but delicious mixture of self-hatred and narcissism with a dash of lime to top it off, so finding ways to try and improve myself in 2013 really hasn’t been a difficult task. One of my favourite things ever is writing a bullet-point list, so lets jump right in:

1)   Be better with money. This means no more expensive but delicious Starbucks coffee: just because the barista knows my name that does not mean we’re friends. Have some instant coffee instead and learn to like it. Also no more buying black dresses. Number 1 I already have 15 in my wardrobe which look identical, and as much as I wish I was, I’m not Morticia Addams. Maybe If I stop thinking I’m Richard-Fucking-Branson I’ll eventually get out of my overdraft that’s been killing me for the last 2 years.

2)   Stop being so hard on myself. I spend so much time worrying and feeling guilty it literally consumes me. If I don’t go out because I’m tired from work I’ll worry that people will be mad with me, they’ll eventually stop talking to me, I’ll have no friends left and be living in a gutter with no-one but my cat. And I don’t even own a cat. I need to learn that it’s okay to be selfish, I don’t have to please people all the time and I can say no, it’s okay to say no. I’m 22, it’s my life and I’ll do what I want. Hurrah.

Well I think that’s pretty much it, I’m not sure a bullet-point list was really necessary here but I’m throwing caution to the wind and doing what I damn well please. I’m at least safe in the knowledge that I can’t be a bigger knob in 2013 than I was in 2012, so if anything the only way is up from here! Happy New Year one and all, three cheers for self-improvement!

PS: I apologise for the amount of exclamation marks in this post. New Years Resolution number 3: find some other punctuation marks to be friends with.