I’m back! Queue the sounds of hundreds of people not caring…
I’ve actually had my laptop back for a couple of days but I’ve been having one of those weeks where crying in the shower and feeling sorry for myself have been at the top of my to-do list, and I’m sure no-one wants to read about how I regret my entire existence.
Instead, I thought I’d do a quick run-down of everything I’ve learnt in the week I’ve been away:
- Wearing no underwear in public isn’t as liberating as I thought it would be. Must remember that I live in the real world and not in my fantasy where I’m an Olsen twin.
- The coverage of the Jay-Z/Solange fight on social media only demonstrates how people care about anything as long as it makes them feel better about their own problems.
- Trying to match my liquid eye liner on both sides really is a lost cause – I’m always going to look like a prepubescent girl whether L’Oreal tells me I’m worth it or not. If all else fails, I’ll rock a red lip and pretend my mother wanted me to appear on toddlers and tiaras.
- Rather than learning from my mistakes straight away, I prefer to keep repeating them until I hate myself enough to stop.
- There aren’t enough words to express the anger I feel towards people who tell me they don’t read because “it’s boring.” Perhaps it isn’t considered ‘cool’ to spend my Saturday looking for new books in the local library instead of hanging out at a beer garden waiting for bad decisions to turn into good ones, but I happen to find reading incredibly fun and sexy. 50 Shades of Grey taught us that, right?
Clearly I’m incredibly judgemental and kind of an asshole, but I knew that already.