This is a tale of woe, a story that is distressing for me just to tell, so please bear with me one second whilst I pull myself together…
It was a sunny day in Blackpool, the birds were singing and the sun was shining, I was casually strolling to work with the world at my feet, ready to begin the day. In reality I was very hungover and having an inner debate regarding bad choices made the night before but then happiness struck me: I saw a Millie’s Cookies. Yes I do eat my feelings, I am my favourite person to treat and did in fact purchase four mini cake bites all for myself. So sue me. At this point I’d like you to understand my emotional attachment to these cakes, they were the only positive point in an otherwise less than mediocre day.
For the next part of our tale we switch locations: the work locker room. On this day I was unfortunately sharing mine with two girls which led to a significant downturn in my mood. I hate sharing, I’m a selfish human being and don’t give a shit. Anyway, much later in the day the girls I was sharing with finished work and trotted home, leaving me and my cakes alone in my locker for some intimate time. Unfortunately, after they’d gone I checked my locker and all of my cakes were squashed, it was a bloodbath: butter cream icing and sprinkles everywhere, I shed a small tear but didn’t think too much of it: accidents happen.
The plot thickens: this evening I was informed that one of the girls who was sharing my locker that fateful day purposefully destroyed my cakes in one cold-hearted, swift move. What a mark of a persons character: that they’d purposefully ruin my happiness and my delicious cake bites simply for their own amusement. Life lessons learnt from today: trust no-one, people are inherently cruel and always eat your cake before potential for sabotage occurs. If anyone has any tips for revenge please let me know, my only ideas thus far are putting a cake on her chair so she gets butter cream icing on her arse and giving her a dirty look.