This blog post contains a lack of humour and a lot of human emotions

I’m feeling so miserable tonight, like the one girl sitting alone at a party, swigging her drink in the corner just hoping that someone will pay her attention without having to make any effort to be social herself. Perhaps it’s because it’s half 10 and I’m still wearing jeans or shame for having peanut butter on toast for dinner? Also I have a trial shift for a job tomorrow and I really want it. I’m always afraid to want something, to really want something because I’m always expecting disappointment. I use sarcasm and jokes to play down the inner sadness that I’ve always felt when I compare my failures in life to that of my more successful and ‘together’ friends but really that’s all I want. I want success, I want people to look at me and feel proud or jealous or anything but pity for me when I tell them what I do. So to say I’m nervous about tomorrow would be an understatement, I really want this and I’m afraid to say it out loud in case someone finds out just how much. 

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