We are never ever, ever, getting back together.

One of my core beliefs is to embrace your awkwardness, celebrate what makes you different and forget about societal pressures to fit a mould and act a certain way. However there are some social situations in which you must rein your idiosyncrasies in and behave in a way deemed socially acceptable. One of the major ones which always causes me trouble is ‘your best friend’s breakup with their significant other.’ 

My natural reaction is to panic, pat them on the back and start rambling about the ridiculous prices of public transport or a delicious new cheese they just have to try. However, society dictates that this is one of those situations where you need to be there for your friend, offer an ear and possibly interject some advice which will make her feel she’s fierce and independent all by herself, just like Beyonce. I have found the perfect mixture of both of these things, a blend of how I act and how I think I should act:

  1. Give them a hug. If like me, you feel uncomfortable with ‘the hug’ then this could be the toughest step, so you just need to get it out of the way. They’ll know you’re there for them and you don’t even have to say a word.
  2. Let them talk about it. Similarly to step one, you don’t have to say anything, just let them talk about how they’re feeling. This might take a while but is key, don’t feel you have to offer advice, if anything, nothing you say will make them feel better anyway. Crying is inevitable, if this makes you feel uncomfortable then perhaps revert back to step one and hug them again. A successful method with dealing with crying if you’re more comfortable with a hug. 
  3. Tequila. This is dangerous and could go one of two ways, you don’t want to have to deal with your friend upset in public, with the possibility of seeing other couples reminding them of their newly single status. Combine that with heavy drinking and you have a recipe for disaster. I suggest drinking in the comfort of your own home whilst watching trash television. Nothing romantic or overly sentimental which could potentially result in crying again. Ideally you want pure entertainment with a side of ‘at least I’m not this person’. Real Housewives, Toddlers and Tiaras, Made in Chelsea, Geordie/Jersey Shore are all good suggestions.
  4. The Hangover. The night of a breakup is always tough to deal with but the next day can be just as tricky. Therefore I recommend getting them so drunk that the main thing they have to deal with the next day is their banging headache.
  5. Repeat as needed. 

In all honesty there’s nothing you can do to make things marginally better, but saying they’re better off without the person and they were a dick anyway is something I wouldn’t suggest, especially awkward if they do get back together with the person. Shut the fuck up, let them talk and interject with tequila and trash television if needed. Works like a charm.

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