All you need is a punch in the face.

I’m feeling kind of depressed at the moment. Not the kind of depression whereby you get hit by a car, break both your legs, lose your job and feel desperately alone in the world. Not even the ‘I’ve had a bad day’ kind of depression where you miss your bus, you’re late for work, get stung by a bee and realise you have no wine in the fridge. My mindset just feels darker somehow, and I blame it on my quest to be come a more well rounded, interesting person who enjoys reading some light ‘Nietzsche’ in my spare time.

I’ve always enjoyed reading darker material, even as a child my favourite book was ‘The Little Match Girl’ by ‘Hans Christian Anderson.’ If any of you haven’t read it, I recommend it, beautiful and slightly haunting, but SPOILER ALERT she dies at the end so not the most cheerful of childhood books. It’s a similar story with films, as a child I used to adore ‘A Little Princess,’ a family film with a happy ending, but still, she thinks her father is dead and has to become a servant, all alone in the world to pay her way. Incase you haven’t guessed there’s a running theme here, loneliness. Something about it has always both terrified and captivated me from an early age, and the books I read and films I watch quite often reflect that. I’ve always romanticized the idea of being alone, and found beauty in it, even in my darkest times I’ve found a sort of sad enjoyment out of the pain that comes from loneliness.

Right now I’m reading ‘Intimacy’ by ‘Hanif Kureishi’, the story of a man who is about to leave his family. The dialogue is so honest that reading it shatters me, and left me feeling slightly uneasy in a way I haven’t felt whilst reading before. It tells the truth, the truth about feeling alone and unhappy in a relationship, and I found myself feeling drained after reading only a few pages. Instead all I wanted was to watch ‘The Notebook’ or ‘Dirty Dancing’ or any romantic film that results in a ‘happy ever after.’ The twisted enjoyment and poetic beauty I used to find in being alone is no longer there, instead it upsets me. I want my ‘Notebook’ moment, I want someone to give a cheesy speech to me about how I’m all they want, I want my happy ending. The next thing you know I’ll be dotting hearts over my ‘i’s’ and listing ‘All You Need is Love’ by ‘The Beatles’ as my favourite song; sickening.

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2 responses to “All you need is a punch in the face.

  1. Life is so not a movie. I have the Notebook kind of love in my life, but unlike the movie, after 7 years, he walked away again. So if you ultimately want your life to be like one of your favorites, don’t worry you’ve got nothing but time.

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    • I’m sorry to hear about that (also I’m sorry for what I’ve just said, I struggle with knowing what to say in these situations!) I’m happy on my own, I’m used to it and don’t need someone to make me happy, I’ve just realised that I’m actually one of those assholes that does dream of the romantic ideals you see in film being true to life one day!

      Like

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