If you can’t beat ’em…

I’ve been hungover for approximately 31 hours now, I’m listening to my ‘self pity and sadness’ playlist on iTunes and I’m lounging around looking like a fat, miserable Pollyanna. That basically sums up my life right about now, half of the time I’m drunk, the other half I’m hungover and disgusted at my actions whilst drunk. Unfortunately what’s bothering me at the moment isn’t my drunken alter ego, it’s the behaviour of my sober self. Basically I’m a huge tool.

In the past men have used me in order to help them fall out of love with someone else, or make them feel better about themselves, and quite frankly, it sucked. It has forever tainted my perception of myself and the opposite sex, and has left me so scared that whenever someone gets within ten feet of me I’m out of there faster than Usain Bolt. It has had such an impact on who I am and everything I’ve done since, so when I realise I’ve become the epitome of everything I hate it sort of sets me off balance a bit.

This guy I’ve been accidentally using is so hot you want to punch him, but such a nice and caring person that doing so would be like kicking a puppy with a broken leg. Basically he’s bloody wonderful and when he showed interest in me it felt like someone else’s life, no-one has ever been that interested in me, never mind someone that ‘perfect’. Despite this, I just don’t feel it, and I know I’m not truly myself with him. That doesn’t stop me texting him when I feel down, trying to convince myself that maybe it will work this time and I haven’t given things enough of a chance. Maybe my morals are questionable, and I am inherently selfish, it’s not fair of me to waste his time just because I feel insecure and know that he’ll give me the attention that I’m craving.

It’s Monday, new week, new start, going to attempt to be a better person, what would Kate Middleton do? Also drink less, re-watch Veronica Mars from the beginning and clear my Internet history just in case. 


2 responses to “If you can’t beat ’em…

  1. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all use each other to some degree or another. Your first loyalty should always be to yourself, not others; otherwise, you’ll never be happy. Just be honest about who you are with both yourself and others. If you do that and still end up hurting someone, they have no one but themselves to blame for letting it happen.

    And you’d be surprised how tolerant people are of selfish people when they’re up front about it. It’s almost like they find them inspiring or something…


  2. Brilliant. Fucking good shit! Pardon me, I’ m reading this while impared, ;=)


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